Its Only Words Again…

The one thing I’ve never imagined myself doing was driving…I was quite convinced that driving a vehicle…any vehicle mind you..was just not my cup of anything! I mean..I’m the girl who never really learnt to ride a bicycle…I still can’t..and when I did..I used side-wheels….and even then I drove within restricted limits..and when i did throw a tantrum and take my cycle for a ride on the main road, I crashed into a scooter!!! That was when I was a 7 year old…Ever since then, I’d pretty much decided that it would be safer, for myself and everybody else, if I stayed in the back seat…I figured, when I bought a car, I’d just get a driver too…simple!

Life though is never that simple..it never goes the way you think it will. My brother recently got his driving license…following which my parents insisted that I learn driving too. I considered the proposition…my distorted sense of direction, extremely slow reaction time and lack of aptitude in spatial perception…every nerve cell in my body was screaming a huge NO!!! But..I said yes…just so no one would think I’m a coward..Also, I’m in the mood in the past few days to do things that I wouldn’t usually do…Besides, I’d discovered that I’m actually good at things I think I’m bad at…And here I am, with a learners license and 6 days into my driving classes…

First day I was taught the basic theory of what one should do before one starts driving..check the tyres, adjust your seat, mirrors, wear the seat belt….and that is pretty much all that I can very confidently do behind the wheel right now…then came the slightly more technical vocabulary..clutch, brake, accelerator, hand-brake…the where and how of these words explained..”Simple enough”, I thought…But theory is one thing…and the practicals another!!!

Not that I can’t get the car started and going..I can…but its just that something so simple sounding is actually so much more complicated…Once behind the wheel, I genuinely wish I had eyes not only at the back, but also on the sides of my head…Not to mention, 3 legs and 4 arms instead of two…You really need to be a goddess to drive!!! Its quite scary when people insist on dancing and day dreaming in the middle of the road..ignoring the sound of the horn….I wish they’d stick to the side of the road…The traffic and BEST buses are another nightmare altogether! And this when I’m slower than a bullock cart, and have never gone beyond the use of the second gear!

And one thing that I’ve come to believe…quite deeply may I add..is that women, including me..are not bad drivers…Its just that women’s footwear is so NOT designed for driving…Really!!! I wouldn’t make most of the mistakes I make, if it weren’t for my damned footwear…! Every single slipper/shoe/slip-ons I own are a hindrance when I drive..and mine aren’t even heeled..they’re flats!!! And I’m not being biased and defensive…I’ve been doing this little informal survey with women I know who drive, and they all have a problem with the footwear! I know that an informal survey with a small sample of women is unscientific..and doesn’t really count for much..But I still think its something that may warrant some attention!

But driving does give you a different perspective…I’m a lot more appreciative of people who can drive now… And life in a lot of ways is like learning to drive…You have to actually live life just like you actually have to drive to learn driving…Being a spectator on the side isn’t helpful in either case…

There is something that my usually patient driving instructor told me in a rare irritated moment today…”Kya madam..aapko automatic gaadi chahiye kya?”….My reply..”Hell Yeah!!!”. I didn’t actually tell him that of course..I still have 14 classes left…in the end I’m quite sure I would have proved my initial doubts about by driving ability to have been wrong…

I can drive..I’m pretty sure I can!

I stared at the eerie green glow of the plastic stars on my ceiling…unflinching…just one constant glow, that would fade with the coming of morning….the light of the true star washing away the false borrowed shine of the former….

The world seemed to be lost in its dreams..and I couldn’t sleep…

The sleeping find solace in their fantasies..the awake must seek rest in the restlessness of their reality…A reality that refused to stay balanced, a reality that avoided constancy, a reality was a changing, moving, dynamic thing…

Change..the very word was a symbol of hope…it signaled the excitement of something new, the thrill of freshness, the heat of challenge, the restlessness of anticipation…

Yes, I had changed…a few surprised remarks from a friend a few days back brought that home to me…Not that I hadn’t realized myself that I had changed…just that her saying it affirmed the extent to which I had changed..

But the change that I am aiming at isn’t yet here..There is a long way to go..But it will happen…Thankfully, it is for the good…and I have anchors that will make sure that it remains for the best…It is the slowness of the change that ensured its genuineness…

I was afraid at first…not afraid to change, but afraid that the change would appear false…”made up”…unnatural…like the plastic stars…But time has given its verdict…The change has come from within..and I am secure in that knowledge and happy as its consequence…

I walked over to my window..even the sky looked sleepy…the stars were shining through the rain clouds

The rain fell lazily…a few raindrops at a time…each drop reflecting the light from the stars, resembling a diamond , set in the blackness of the world around it…

Some things never change…some memories never fade..the sight of rain still soothed my aching soul…it still evoked pleasant memories…Among the ever changing challenges of life, it was one of the constancies…

Once again the rains had come…once again I had found my inspiration…

Once again the sun came out and enveloped the world in the light of the truth…

I’ve never been the typical “Daddy’s girl”…nor has my relationship with my father been like a typical father-daughter relationship. But for what it has been it has been the best! Sure, we’ve had our arguments and disagreements. I remember a phase in my life where all I did was fight with him. I suppose I hurt him when I said a lot of things I didn’t even mean. And given a chance to undo all of that, I would gladly take back my words. I truly am sorry.

But amidst all the ups and downs in my life, he has always been a source of strength and inspiration, and I have learnt a lot from him.

It was he who taught me one of my first lessons in  self-reliance and independence. When as a curious moppet, I bombarded him with a volley of questions, he would never answer any of them directly. Instead, he told me where to look for the answers. He bought me the books which inculcated in me a love of reading and a desire to know more. He taught me to discuss and debate what I saw, heard or read. He has prepared me to find my own answers to life’s questions.

He has always encouraged me to make my own decisions and to stick by them. And to accept the consequences of my decisions. He’s always been there to bail me out if a decision was too wrong. He has let me make mistakes, but has insisted that I learn from my follies.

It is from him that I’ve learnt that honesty is the best policy, but that honesty has its consequences. So if I decide to be honest, I should be ready to face whatever it entails.

From his daily routine, to his insistence that there is a particular place for everything, all that he does is characterized by discipline and organization. I admit that discipline is one of the lessons that I haven’t learnt very well- I seem to get very disoriented if I’m too organized! But I have understood the value of discipline, and I hope that someday I will be able to practice it.

One of his favourite quotes is, “Nothing in life is free”. He has pretty much drilled this into my mind, and I’ve always found that he is right. Things might appear free, but there is always a hidden cost. It is necessary to weigh this cost before taking any action.

One of the things that I think I’ve imbibed from his life is the value of long-term thinking. Some pleasures in life are short-term. Others take a lot of time and hard work. The former are usually transient, whereas the latter are lasting and worth the wait. So, while having to choose between short-term versus long-term benefits, I usually choose the latter- just as I have seen him do.

But mostly what I’ve inherited from him is his work-ethic and perfectionism. Its that workaholic “I want to work even on Sundays” kind of work-ethic. But never at the cost of family. Balancing work with personal life is something I’ve learnt from him. And I might never meet up to his standards of perfectionism, but in my own sphere of work, I am known to be a perfectionist myself.

These are not the only lessons. There are many more. Like valuing time. Respecting people for what they are. Not getting involved in petty politics. Staying away from malicious gossip. Many many more lessons, worth all of 23 years of my life. Some I’ve managed to implement. Some are still in the stage of incubation. But they’ve prepared me to take on life.

Thank you Appa..for everything!!

It was no ordinary holiday…It wasn’t intended to be…It was a pilgrimage towards self-discovery and clarity..

In the weeks before I went to Kolkata, I had just finished my Masters, was trying to decide among two good and equally irresistible job offers and going through considerable turmoil in trying to balance my professional aspirations with personal plans and commitments..All in all it was pure, undiluted confusion..And I needed some time to think without people telling me what to think…

So I took off to Kolkata…I didn’t know what to expect..didn’t even know if this was the right way to solve my problem..but I followed my instinct and went…

And the moment I set foot in Kolkata, it was love at first sight! I was totally, completely, supremely and head over heels in love with this beautiful city . I was in love with its early morning sun, which would stream in through my window at 4:30 a.m. I loved the clinkety-clankety of the trams that woke me up. I loved my morning walk, watching children playing cricket, football and tennis. I was in love with every street, every corner, every turning. I loved the radio (I miss 91.9 Friends fm). I loved the language. I loved trying to learn the language. I loved watching the posters change in the theatre opposite. I loved the people, always friendly, smiling and ready to talk. I loved the subzi mandi, the grocery store and the malls. I loved the food off the streets and in classy restaurants. I loved the kalbaisakh that raged and screamed and the rains that followed, threatening to drown everything. I loved the Hooghly, calm, and at rest, yet royal, powerful and dignified in her demeanour. I was in love with the fact that this city was most undeniably the most photogenic city ever!!! But mostly, I was in love with the carefree familiarity that I experienced in this city I’d never been to before. A sense of deja vu, not as dramatic or sensational as in movies and books, but some subtle feeling of having been there before, of not being afraid of getting lost, of being safe, of being at home, more at home in fact than I’ve ever felt in Mumbai. A sort of residual karmic connection from some previous birth perhaps..I couldn’t help but wonder! I was in love with life. I was in love with myself.

I don’t know if I saw the city as the natives did, or with the eyes of an outsider. I don’t know if what I felt and observed is closer to the perceptions of natives or tourists. But this was what I felt. Every emotion, every sensation, every experience was in the superlative.

And on the eve of June 6th while toying with my evening cup of tea I couldn’t help regretting that this magical feeling was almost at an end… I wondered if I could ever call Mumbai home again..After all..home is where the heart is…and my heart most definitely is now in Kolkata…

Am back in Mumbai now…with a lot more clarity about who I am and what I want…The relief that I sought, the great city granted…and I hope, like all lovers do, that the love affair with that most wonderful city shall continue when I do return..Because return I shall…

She stared at the blank white pages…pristine, pure, virginal..

She knew she wanted to write something..she had been waiting for this…she had nothing to do, except “spoil a page with rhymes” a la Dorothy Parker…

And yet something held her back…

Writing had always been such catharsis….More than catharsis in fact….everyday morning when she woke up..she knew that she wanted to write..every night when she rested her head on her pillow, her head would be full of ideas that she wanted to weld into words….characters who as far as she was concerned were real, living, breathing..and the stories themselves drawn from the realities around her…designed and created to strike a chord..to connect with those who read them…It was her way of reaching out to the world..to tell them how she felt, thought and lived..It was always easier for her to project her desires, her hopes, her dreams, her sorrows onto the characters she created..Not caring if the ones who read could see through the characters into the depths of her personality…

And yet today, she was at a loss for words…

Were the empty pages mirroring the emptiness that she felt within her heart?

It was my last lecture today..and it just dawned on me that it wasn’t just the last lecture of this particular course, but also my last lecture as a full-time student…I do intend to keep studying further, balancing studies with work…but nothing can really be the same…

No more waiting for the bus..no more sharing dabbas…no more conversations in pure “psychologyese”….a LOT is going to be different..

When I look back on the year…I feel its been a great ride…All the more so, because it began as a class full of strangers, a class full of differences…and it has now ended up as a class full of friends, and a class that recognizes the similarities that underlie the differences…A lot of my opinions about some people have changed, and I am glad to know that others too have come to see me in a new light…And I myself have learnt more about me…

The first memory I have of the year, is of the month long discussion of the syllabus…other specializations had begun lectures in full-swing and we were still discussing the syllabus… I wondered if it would ever end…

And end it did..we did begin proper lectures..I don’t really remember what we did during the first proper lecture..but I do remember that I was one of the early birds who had “set my balls rolling” with my book presentation

And then there was the “Who Am I?”, which was an ice-breaker in the true sense..everybody finally spoke to everybody! The “Tree of Life” was fun too….

Moving on there were the field visits…beginning with the Yoga Institute.. but the most memorable field visit for me was the one to Central Labour Institute…It was fun playing Chinese Whispers during the lunch break

And somewhere in the middle of all of this was my “makeover” …I believe I shocked a few people, and it had “breaking news” status for a few days, even among the other specializations, which is the only reason I care to mention it here..In any case, it was fun playing the stylish “kaamwaali bai” in the Defense Mechanisms skit . I don’t think anybody would ever forget the display of “passive aggression”..And the video clips that the Fear group had made will always be memorable…

And the fiery, stormy brochure meetings do deserve a mention. I think this was one topic that none of us could see eye to eye on, and a lot of issues were brought out on to the table…All for good..because I believe, that has emerged out of all the discussing and debating is a very good team effort…The brochure is something I will treasure forever…The memories that it holds testimony to are extremely dear to me

One thing I believe everybody had fun doing were the workshops…especially the breaks in between activities where we got to sample some great food … and need I mention the potlunch, where there was so much food that our stomachs were filled just looking at it? We did have mini-potlunches everyday..with people pouncing on each others dabbas

In between were our internships..some had great experiences..others not so good…but we all learnt something for sure…

And towards the end of the year..the rush to complete the portions..and lectures interspersed with discussions of “extra terrestrial perception” and “flying monkeys” and many many more such wonderful quotes that I shall remember even when I am a 90 year old!!!!

I haven’t mentioned a lot of things here….I have especially avoided discussing the negativities..because what was good far surpasses what was bad…and what was good will forever last and overshadow the unpleasantness in all my memories…

Its been a great year…..Thank you to everyone who has made this year such a beautiful one…This is not the “farewell speech” though..because I do not intend to bid “goodbye” to this batch….This end is just the beginning..

This blog post started off as an exercise as part of a workshop on Interpersonal Relations, conducted by a few classmates of mine. The activity involved listing down 33 reasons why one loved oneself….

33 reasons…would have been easy if I had to write why I loved my family or my best friends…But 33 reasons to love myself….Impossible, I thought…

But like it was pointed out by the facilitators, if one can’t love oneself..then one can never truly love others… And the more the reasons you can find to love yourself, the more your self-esteem, and more capable you become to love others…

Well..There is a first time for everything..so I started making my list..I managed to think of only 26 in class..but have been able to think of more later…Some reasons are silly, some sarcastic, some dead serious…and they are not arranged in order of importance…they are just the different ways in which I love me…

And here is the list…

I Love Myself because…

1) I am capable of love

2) I am honest

3) I am proactive

4) I can be childlike

5) I am intelligent

6) I am simple

7) I am responsible

8 ) I am true to myself

9) I try to be all that I can be

10) I am committed to the people I love

11) I can make others smile

12) I have made a significant and positive impact on the lives of some people

13) I am prosocial

14) I am internally motivated

15) I am an “intellectual spiritualist”

16) I can accept others the way they are

17) I can look beautiful..if I choose to

1 I live my life by my own rules…

19) I am creative

20) I am God-loving and am truly blessed

21) I am ambitious and am willing to put in all efforts to get what I want

22) I am competent as a student and hope to be just as competent as a professional

23) I can cook well…if I choose to cook in the first place

24) I truly care for others

25) I can work for superordinate goals

26) I love my country

27) I am a team player

2 I do not misuse the power/influence I have over others

29) I stand up for what is right

30) I try my best to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter, a good sister and a good friend…

31) I achieve anything I put my mind to

32) I am able to guide my juniors well

33) I always wish people on their birthday

34) As far as things remain within my power, I don’t break promises

35) I care for the friends of my friends

36) I’m available even in the middle of the night for someone who I call “friend”

37) I am reasonably photogenic

3 I say “thank you” and I mean it!

39) I have managed to come up with so many reasons why I love myself

40) I’m blatantly narcissistic…

We look before and after, And pine for what is not; Our sincerest laughter With some pain is fraught; Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.
-Percy Bysshe Shelley

These are a few lines from one of my favourite poems, by a poet I greatly admire, expounding a philosophy I’ve come to deeply believe in….

We live our lives…regretting past mistakes…reliving past glories…resting on our laurels..shedding tears over our downfalls….

Or…looking forward into our lives…worrying about misfortunes that haven’t yet come into our lives…or pining for joys that are yet a long way off….

Not that we may not celebrate our memories and rejoice in our dreams…

However…what matters is how those memories are relived, and the dreams are built…because the dreams and memories exist in the present..

And it is the present that truly matters….this very moment….

In this very moment, we have a chance, to live our life as we want..unencumbered by the burdens of the past…or undisturbed by the vague visions of the future…

So here I am…living in this moment…welcoming the present…with every atom of my soul!

Its midnight now..14 minutes past midnight to be precise…

Inspiration can strike at an hour….

Have been working for so long..have more to do…but lack the determination or the inclination to do so…

Not because I’m sleepy..but because my mind is wandering…. restless…

Have been trying to run away…and draw closer..at the same time…

Just today in class…we did an exercise.. we were told to pick a symbol for ourselves..and a few words to explain why that symbol stood for what we were….

I chose the symbol of the sun sign Gemini as my symbol…

I am after all a typical Gemini…vacillating between extremes….a merger, a harmonious blend of opposites.. a very positive duality..

Which is probably why in the midst of my restlessness..I find a calmness…In the midst of silence, I find my voice..In the dead of the night, I find my morning…

And its all so clear…and easy…

and yet so difficult…..

Its 24 minutes past midnight…and I’m celebrating my duality..

Good morning everyone!

Early morning drowsiness. Jumping out of bed at the last moment. Getting ready at top speed. The “P.T. Usha” run to the station. Climbing into a train that is just pulling out of the platform. Out of the train-into the bus. Signing my name on the roster. Turning on my laptop. Yawns. Coffee..delicious coffee

Mid-morning hunger pangs-suppressed with the promise of lunch. Constant glances at the clock. Nirvana comes at one. Mouthfuls of food interspersed with laughter. Squeezing in a call to a friend- 4 minutes before lunch time ends.

Staring at the computer screen. Chewing my reporting officers brains.Chit-chatting with the other trainee. More delicious coffee :). Mid-afternoon hunger pangs- suppressed with the promise of a quick bite on the way back home.

5:30. Watching the clock closely. 6:00..getting impatient now…. 6:20..pack-up time… 6:30..I’m out!

Endless wait for the bus….grabbing a quick bite at Merwans…settling down in a train that is waiting for me on the platform. A leisurely journey back home.

Late night dinner…settling down to sleep…looking forward to another day at work….

( Now..all this pretty accurately describes how I spend my day at work…. but I am getting some work done in between too..and thats the part I love the most…and that is someting that you should hear me talk about…writing doesn’t convey the essence of that experience..)